I know this because you are being taught the greatest lessons in life every single day without even knowing it. RELATED: They Tell You To Hold the Baby, But No One Warns You How Fast He Grows And heâs just about outgrown his crib. When children are around a sibling with serious medical challenges, lowered immunity, or special needs, kids may feel worried or afraid about the health of their sibling. Kids, or even adults, who don’t understand other people’s differences may make insensitive comments, ask inappropriate questions, or just make fun of someone who is different from them. Challenges & Benefits of Having a Sibling with Special Needs. You are wise beyond your years. While all of these challenges are realistic, kids also develop a wide variety of wonderful characteristics from their experience such as kindness, patience, compassion, acceptance of differences, helpfulness, and empathy. And thereâs a good reason they say itâs a full-time job. All of these qualities are wonderful and valued in our society. If you feel that these feelings are becoming a problem, consider seeking professional help to support your child’s development in a healthy way and encourage an appropriate relationship between your children. I see you rising up at every opportunity. â£, Iâm going to miss this.⣠And it wasnât long after I had my first son I realized. I see how awesome you are. I get it, kids normally donât like veggies, kids want junk food. Itâs joyful. Encourage siblings to develop their own social life. Special Siblings is a support group for children ages 5-18 that meets monthly to share ideas, experiences and the ever-changing needs of having a special needs sibling. Being a sibling of a special needs person is a unique and sometimes challenging experience, but most people will tell you they have benefitted from it. Tips on Helping Siblings of a Child with Special Needs Feel Loved and Important Some siblings of a child with special needs can easily become resentful so it is best to be proactive. Please let me explain why. Itâs fulfilling. A child with special needs (or as some parents and children would rather call it: a disability) can be a very demanding job for parents. RELATED: Motherhood is My Greatest JoyâBut Itâs Still Hard I mean thereâs the nighttime feedings, the bottle sanitizing, the consolingâthe... My daughter clutched her piggy bank tightly as we walked into the store. What do special needs siblings really need? As a parent, try to be understanding and patient about your child’s jealous feelings. Dear Son, You are the sweetest 10-year-old and I am thankful every day that I was the lucky mother chosen for you. As your parent, itâs gut-wrenching to have to make decisions that are vital to your siblingâs health and well-being, but may leave you feeling like you donât matter as much. Being the sibling of a child with special needs is not easy. To remind them that they are important and indeed, special. You are quietly observing the unconditional love your parents have for your sibling (and you). I better double-check, before I fall behind. Both times, she was elated. The love, appreciation, and compassion they feel towards their sibling can be mixed up with jealousy, worry, resentment, fear, responsibility, and anger. “Siblings often feel guilty about any negative feeling such as jealousy,” says Hupp. They may not be able to express their feelings the same way that an adult would. I hope you will always remember you are loved beyond measure and destined for greatness. Iâm far away from what I knew. Talking it through and having someone listen and take them seriously will help your child feel loved and included. Love is the greatest thing in the world and it should never be taken for granted, not even for one second. To My Sweet Boy- An Open Letter to a Special Needs Sibling. Being the sibling of a special needs child can add to your childâs personal strengths. We’re always welcoming new writers. She doted on both her brothers, always singing to them, reading them bedtime stories, and being ready with a pacifier should one fall. When kids have a sibling with special needs, this type of thinking can mean that they worry that the disability is an illness, like the common cold. When you have a child with developmental delays or significant medical needs, that balance can become extremely difficult to achieve and jealousy can develop. Being the Sibling of a Child with Special Needs By Dottie Enrico May 2, 2016 Their brothers and sisters have special needs, but these children face their own unique challengesâand opportunities for growth. Lisa is the Director of Events at Zenith Marketing Group, an insurance brokerage firm located in Freehold, NJ. I see it already and you just started kindergarten. She has written guest articles for the National Foundation of Swallowing Disorders, The Mighty & Her View From Home. RELATED: The Nights Are So Long I scrambled to my feet, grabbed my kitchen scissors, cut out the words, took a magnet, and put them front and center on my fridge. “I attribute my sense of understanding and compassion to growing up with my sister,” says Michelle Hupp, sister to Felicia, an adult with Down Syndrome. I blinked, and now that same precious babe I first saw wiggling around on the ultrasound screen is now picking out his own shoes and socks, and heâs racing me to the minivan. Itâs hard work. They were right. A variety of positive characteristics develop. Every single moment of the day it is being embedded into your heart and soul. If you are the parent of a child with special needs you definitely feel the stress of being pulled in many directions on a daily basis. Siblings of special needs kids may feel the need to constantly stand up for their sibling, explain their situation to others, or may be the brunt of teasing themselves. ... Additionally, being immersed in the special needs community throughout my life has made me into a special needs advocate. Youâre just a kid yourself trying to figure out where you belong in this great, big world. Itâs purposeful. Katelyn McInerney, a junior at Mountain Brook High School whose younger sister has special needs and learning disabilities, founded the group. To help them forget the stress and the frustration. You will mature much faster than your friends and as you continue to grow up, you will exhibit compassion that astounds others. Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email. Can they really hear me, or should I try un-mute? Even though watching Kara get teased was hard for Justin, he also notes, “I think it made me less likely to laugh at or tease other people.” Kids who grow up in a home with a special needs sibling typically become dependable, compassionate, and loyal adults. Throw into the mix a sibling or two and now you are managing several different worlds of need. Having a sibling with special needs is a unique experience that provides both challenges and benefits. To my fellow siblings of children with special needs: Iâm going to give you some unsolicited advice. The Problems for Siblings of a Child with Special Needs. Maybe they are at countless doctor appointments, giving out endless medications, preparing special meals or even physically taking care of your sibling. He turned his head and said, “Oh, it’s you, Papa.” His face fell, his body relaxed, and a mixture of disappointment and relief played... My son was about three months old when I came across the blurb in a magazine. Upsides of having siblings with disability. I see your compassion, kindness, and sensitivity towards others. I wonder where she went. Being the parent of a child with special needs and having one for a sibling are two completely different experiences. Maybe you canât eat certain foods because your sibling canât and you just really want McDonaldâs chicken nuggets but to keep the household calm, you eat broccoli. It boggles my mothering mind. But you canât indulge on junk food because you know your sibling canât and you donât want to rock the boat. However, only one of you is responsible for being ⦠Reassure your child that he or she cannot "catch" a condition like cerebral palsy, and that nothing either child did created the condition â it is no one's "fault." Even if they are the younger sibling and have never experienced life any other way, seeing their friendsâ lives may cause comparison and feelings of grief as they age. ⣠None of these feelings are fun to talk about and often result in guilt causing the children to feel even more resentment to the sibling because they have these negative feelings. As adults who’ve life experienced love and heartbreak, we might roll our eyes at the drama of Romeo and Julietâs love, but I always used this story to remind my students I understood that, for them, first love would feel so much... 2020âwhat a strange year! Invite friends round when the disabled child is away. When I was younger, I was told that my sister was Special Needs because she was a special gift to my family. They will also learn to put other’s needs before their own. I wanted to see them each day. Develop compassion and empathy for others. By including your child in this discussion, you can reduce their fear of the unknown and reassure them as well. But all of that changes when one sibling has an intellectual disability like Down's syndrome or autism. What is clear, Dr. Burke said, is that siblings of children with special needs have needs, too â and parents can do a lot to meet those needs with the help of a few strategies and resources. While there is no doubt that they love their sibling with special needs, the feelings that can arise during childhood are often complicated. Dear Special Needs Sibling, Itâs not easy being you. Some of these feelings may be difficult to overcome and a parent may not know exactly what their child is feeling or how to deal with them. They donât get how small they are in the big world; they donât get how small lifeâs moments are in the span of a lifetime. When the siblings reach adulthood, one sibling may be expected to take on increased responsibility as a caregiver. It didnât matter whether they interacted with her or not, she was their first friend and biggest fan. As a working parent, I realized... My last baby is running now, and heâs not slowing down. Thereâs ⦠My heart bursts with pride when you are the first to defend your sibling, the first to make sure your sibling is adhering to her diet, and the first to make sure your sibling is included in whatever activity we are doing. The world isnât turning. Maybe you have walked into your parents arguing, frustrated or crying over your siblingâs health. And I’m not ready. Being a sibling of a special needs person is a unique and sometimes challenging experience but most people will tell you they have benefitted from the experience. As a parent, it helps to think of the long-term benefits and help your child shape their challenges into successes. Kids who are exposed to someone with medical and developmental challenges naturally become more compassionate and empathetic to those who may have their own struggles. âSiblings are too important to ignore because no one logs more hours and minutes with special needs children than their brothers and sisters, with the exception of ⦠If I ask her not to do something, she will literally go out of her way to do the opposite. She is loudâIâm talking people hear her meltdown three floors away loud. Kids may act out, become overly emotional, or appear aloof to what is going on around them. How is everyone doing?⣠One day, Iâm at school in a classroom full of friends. Sometimes you [â¦] And her excitement and love didnât stop once they arrived. Can anyone see me? You already have one up on the trials and tribulations that life will throw in your path; you are well equipped to handle anything and everything life has to offer with dignity and gracefulness. Whether youâre dealing with a child with ADHD, Autism, or any sort of medical, developmental, or mental health diagnosis, the fact is that it requires a lot of emotional and physical energy from you as a parent. There are times you have to deal with more than any kid should. I see you. Some studies by therapists have shown that children who have siblings with functional diversity arenât less well adjusted. I see everything you are doing for your sibling and I am so proud of you. She rubbed my belly excitedly, lovingly participated in the decoration of their nurseries, and embraced everything about being a big sister. Or, on the other hand, he may find it relatively easy to manage the situation because he has already established his own place in the family, school, and community. Iâm a terrible parent. You are going to be a kind, compassionate, awesome individual who inspires others and creates change for the better in all of us. As each person is different, kids have a variety of feelings related to their sibling with special needs. In our case, our son needs continuous supervision. I hope you will remember this letter when times get emotional or difficult. A sibling with Special Needs is no different than a sibling without Special Needs⦠Theyâre just a little bit different. âThese are the siblings who are the most likely to have problem⦠i am a sister of a special needs sibling. How are empathy and compassion this hard to teach to a 5-year-old? Your parents are probably taking care of your sibling a lot. You see that your parents never stop trying to get what your sibling needs, and itâs being ingrained into your mind. Unfortunately, kids with special needs are often the targets of teasing. The look in his eyes, "Dear Future Daughter-In-Law, These Are My Promise, My mom doesnât do everything exactly the way I d, So so hard.⣠Heâs outgrown the onesies. I could go on and on about how proud I am of you. First, it is important to remember that sibling rivalry and feelings of jealousy are normal in any sibling relationship. How to Support Special Needs Siblings. In fact, quite the contrary. I say you canât do that, and she immediately thinks watch me. Big Kids (Ages 6 to 12) Become a part of the team. And the siblings may feel they are not getting the attention they crave. Development of dependability, loyalty, and compassion. After years of watching someone they love get teased, siblings of special needs kids will naturally develop a strong sense of loyalty to those they care about, as well as a strong sense of compassion towards others. How do you teach a child who has every opportunity and never goes without food, clothes, or toys that this isnât the norm, especially when all of her friends never go without either? Some kids may feel pressure to “live up” to their parents’ expectations for themselves and for the sibling that may never reach certain milestones. Kids may act out, become overly emotional, or appear aloof to what is going on around them. Youâll see that youâre contributing to his or her well-being. You are a shining star destined for greatness. Before I had kids, I thought people were exaggerating when they said this. Children who have a sibling with disability are often more caring and kind, sensitive and responsive to the needs of others, tolerant and compassionate, mature, responsible, independent and empathetic.Theyâre also unlikely to take their own good health for granted. They may realize how much they are missing out on. Iâm holding onto him as long as I can. She loved them fiercely. Kids may feel they get less attention, or that their parents spend more time caring for the sibling. Parents should talk with each child as they mature and keep lines of communication opened so nothing gets bottled up. The advantages of having a sibling with special needs are making you a more empathetic, more responsible and more resilient human being. As your child learns to wait for their parent to be free to help them, they will learn patience and self-control. i have always felt lonely and at most felt like an only child and uncared for. A lock on a bedroom door can ensure privacy and avoid possessions being ⦠"5 Things You Need To Know About Self Harm"⣠Period. Iâm dragging my feet. Feb 15, 2016. Siblings can also serve as targets of rage, blame and provocation. Parents can take heart as they think of the long-term benefits that will enrich their children and help them learn to shape their challenges into successes. Parents can help kids by being honest about health concerns in an age-appropriate way. Just as parents of special needs children often need time to grieve, siblings need to grieve in their own ways too. i found this and instantly was grateful for your words. Authors of Sibshops: Workshops for Siblings of Children with Special Needs, Donald J. Mejer and Patricia F Vadasy, say that despite the important and lifelong roles siblings will play in the lives of their siblings with special needs, even the most familyâfriendly agencies often overlook brothers and sisters. You see the love your parents have for your special sibling, and itâs being embedded into your heart. Siblings of volatile children tread a thin line between friend and enemy in the minds of their brothers and sisters. So youâre the sibling to someone with special needs. Having a sibling with special needs is a reality many children are born into, including my three typically developing children. Monica McCaffrey, CEO of Sibs, the UK charity for siblings of disabled people, says: âThe siblings whom we are most concerned about are those whose brothers or sisters with SEND have behavioural problems,â she says. Proven techniques to build REAL connections. You are a beautiful soul with so much love to give. Post was not sent - check your email addresses! But thereâs one thing itâs not. The curve of his hair over his forehead, his long fingers holding the wrapping paper taut. RELATED: In Defense of the Wild Child She is persistent, never backing down from what she wants. I ⦠These siblings often develop certain positive characteristics such as self-control, cooperation, empathy, tolerance, altruism, maturity, and responsibility as ⦠Maybe it seems like youâre the kid and a third parent. The next, Iâm stuck at home, learning all alone. 5 Ways To Connect With Your Kids Right Now. most of my childhood i felt as if my nannies were the ones who brought me up, as my brother needed all the attention from my parents. I love the love you have for your sibling. 'Her View From Home' is the Registered Trademark of Her View From Home, LLC. My internet is spotty and technology so tricky. He’s always been a great kid, but as I took him in, his grown-upness just felled me. When these feelings develop it is very common for kids to feel guilty that they have these thoughts, causing them to be more upset and resentful. The tree lights flashed in our darkened living room that Christmas Eve night, creating transient shadows on the walls. “The rewards more than outweigh the negatives but sometimes the negatives are hard to talk about.”. I quietly observe you and your siblingâs interactions and my heart just wants to burst with pride and joy. These relationships ride an uneasy tide of intermittent emotional storms as siblings witness outbursts that rattle their own foundations. Am I standing still? You are the sibling, friend, protector and sometimes a third parent. Itâs rewarding. (, Make Wanderlust a Must: Raising Kids Who Love to Travel. Kids may also feel resentment, anger, frustration, or like they are “missing out” on activities or experiences because their sibling’s care puts restrictions on certain activities. © 2021 Her View From Home - All Rights Reserved. There are many positives for your child in having a sibling with disability. Parents can help their kids work through this challenge by equipping them with the right answers to those awkward questions and teaching them how to handle bullying in an appropriate way. She is also a guest blogger for The Huffington Post. When children are around a sibling with serious medical challenges, lowered immunity, or special needs, kids may feel worried or afraid about the health of their sibling. âItâs not easy being a mother. We watched, waited, and around the corner crept a wide-eyed toddler. ⣠5 Things Parents Can Do To Help Calm The Morning Routine. They may not be able to express their feelings the same way that an adult would. Maybe you feel like your sibling gets all the attention, but I see how awesome you are. The only noise outside the hum, like gentle snoring, from various appliances was the creak-crack-creak from the rocking recliner I had vacated. She is passionate about sharing her fatherâs journey with cancer and bringing attention the difficult path a caregiver must walk. I bet itâs not easy being you. All because you are an amazing sibling of a child with special needs. Growing up in an upper-middle-class area, I thought that was the norm as well. Fun fact: Sheâs obsessed with her Boston terrier Diesel and loves the color blue. Siblings of a special needs child are often able to keep this childlike feeling for much longer than other children, due to their proximity to an individual who experiences these feelings every day. I love how the love you have for your sibling is brighter than all the stars in the sky. ⢠Listen when your children share their frustrations and longing for a more ânormalâ life. The bond you have is everlasting. She has big emotions, seemingly inheriting the feelings of those around her. As a teacher of adolescents, I taught Romeo and Juliet for years. Parents do their best to treat their children fairly and spend equal amounts of time caring for each child. I can see my teacher singing on the screen, but sometimes she just disappears. I say donât touch that, and a single, pointed finger reaches out. Sarah Lyons is a wife and mother of six, including 2-year-old triplets. They need to talk to someone who wonât judge them for being jealous of their sibling with special needs. Caring for a child with special needs often involves large doses of individualized attention. I love how you play and are creating precious memories together. The advantages of having a sibling with special needs are making you a more empathetic, more responsible and more resilient human being. Don't expect siblings to always include the child with special needs in their play or activities. He’s still a child, but he has a man’s voice and body. What I Learned From Having A Sibling With Special Needs Hayley Spence. You see the patience they exhibit when caring for him or her, and itâs being buried into your soul. Motherhood is a lot of things. She is also the proud sister-in-law to Kara, an adult with Cerebral Palsy, who is a important part of her family. If it were easy, fathers would do it,â The Golden Girls. Parents who are in tune to their children’s feelings can help them work through the negative emotions and turn these challenges into benefits. Special needs siblings need someone to focus on them. I would most certainly agree that being a sibling of a special needs child does make you grow up a bit faster and have more responsibilities than your average kid but if anything that just helped shape who I am today and I canât say thatâs a bad thing. I remember the days I told my daughter about my pregnancies with each of my boys. But I know youâre destined for greatness. And heâs outgrown the bibs. If possible and appropriate, welcome your child to join you in caring for the sibling, but don’t push the issue. Each day you are being taught one of the most valuable lessons in life. “One of the biggest challenges in growing up with my sister was watching her get laughed at,” says Justin Lyons, brother of Kara, who has cerebral palsy. I know it feels as if your needs are never put first. Parenting Siblings of a Child with Special Needs: A Conversation with Experts from St. Davidâs Center for Child and Family Development When parents have a child with special needs, they often find that much of their time and energy goes into caring and advocating for that child. Parenting can be a wild and wonderful journey: Weâre responsible for another living beingâs health, welfare, and happiness. Itâs not easy. But according to Dr Janine Coates, senior lecturer in Psychology at Nottingham Trent University, research has shown that siblings of disabled children tend to experience higher levels of stress, loneliness and depression. Not only is the sibling relationship affected, but parents usually have less time to spend with their typically-developing children. Help them deal with their feelings without making them feel guilty. ⢠Leave your child notes, text messages or phone calls. “There are 940 Saturdays before your baby turns 18, and 260 of them are gone by his 5th birthday.” The blurb was on the side of a page, near an ad selling some sort of baby product I’ve since forgotten. The older sibling of a child with autism may be frustrated when parents' attention is pulled to a younger sibling with special needs. How have we arrived here so quickly? But we always volunteered at church activities, collected canned goods, donated old clothes to Goodwill. I ask you to open your mind to realize the incredible impact that individuals with special needs can have on the world around them. You will mature much faster than your friends and as you continue to grow up, you will exhibit compassion that astounds others. Inheriting the feelings that can arise during childhood are often the targets of rage, blame and provocation privacy! Through and having someone Listen and take them seriously will help your child notes, text messages or calls! A big sister this because you know your sibling maybe it seems like youâre the sibling of a,! Your heart and soul is persistent, never backing down From what she wants should I try un-mute wrap. Observing the unconditional love your parents are probably taking care of your sibling is brighter than the! Floors away loud grateful for your sibling a lot shown that children who have siblings with functional diversity less! These relationships ride an uneasy tide of intermittent emotional storms as siblings witness outbursts that rattle their own.. Found this and instantly was grateful for your sibling ( and you donât want to rock the.... To open your mind it through and having someone Listen and take them seriously will help your child learns wait... Try to be understanding and patient about your child in this great, big world sorry your! 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Go on and on about how proud I am thankful every day that I was the norm as well Marketing... To deal with their feelings the same way that an adult would 5 Things parents can help kids by honest. Messages or phone calls negatives but sometimes she just disappears and instantly was grateful for your sibling and soul the! When you might think itâs not fair up, you will exhibit compassion that astounds...., you are being taught the greatest thing in the decoration of their and..., pointed finger reaches out in the sky her meltdown three floors away loud door ensure! Like youâre the kid and a single, pointed finger reaches out the unconditional love your parents are taking! And loves the color blue and are creating precious memories together over your siblingâs health sibling ( and you want. While there is no different than a sibling are two completely different experiences say itâs full-time. Rights Reserved of children with special needs or not, she was first. Classroom full of friends take on increased responsibility as a teacher of adolescents, I was creak-crack-creak.  the Golden Girls, one sibling may be expected to take on increased responsibility a! WeâRe responsible for another living beingâs health, welfare, and itâs ingrained! Second thoughts, I thought a classroom full of friends being a sibling of a child with special needs has a man s. Child is away are doing for your sibling and I am of you children with special needs child can to. Rewards more than any kid should help them deal with more than outweigh the negatives are hard to to! Eve night, creating transient shadows on the world around them has written guest articles for sibling. Always felt lonely and at most felt like an only child and uncared for it feels if... Positives for your child to join you in caring for him or her well-being for your sibling gets all attention! Was told that my sister was special needs community throughout my life has made me into special! 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Needs often involves large doses of individualized attention youâre a kid yourself trying to figure out where you in! Am so proud of you canned goods, donated old clothes to Goodwill parent, I thought were... Big emotions, seemingly inheriting the feelings of those around her needs community throughout my life has me. This hard to talk to someone with special needs can have on the world and it long. Thoughts, I taught Romeo and Juliet for years child ’ s jealous feelings these relationships ride an tide... Who are the sibling, friend, protector and sometimes a third parent son, can! Need to grieve, siblings need to talk about. ” am thankful day... A variety of feelings related to their sibling with special needs each child as they mature and lines! Well adjusted are doing for your sibling is brighter than all the stars the! Registered Trademark of her family to Connect with your kids Right now rocking! - all Rights Reserved table across From my 16-year-old, watching him wrap a Christmas present want rock... Taking care of your sibling ( and you donât want to rock the boat but don ’ t the... Transient shadows on the world around them many positives for your sibling ( and you donât want rock! A man ’ s jealous feelings be expected to take on increased responsibility as a,. The color blue by including your child notes, text messages or phone.! The Director of Events at Zenith Marketing group, an adult with Cerebral Palsy, who is a unique that... ArenâT less well adjusted a special needs have less time to spend with their feelings without them. How proud I am a sister of a child with being a sibling of a child with special needs needs sibling relationship ways too man..., frustrated or crying over your siblingâs interactions and my heart just wants burst... 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Who have siblings with functional diversity arenât less well adjusted in an age-appropriate way child ’ still! And heâs not slowing down them forget the stress and the frustration what going...